It’s the end of an era – in my life anyway. In just under 2 weeks I will no longer be a teenager. I’m very much looking forward to it but in a way turning twenty makes me very sad. As I look back (and feel very old!) the things that I notice are the bad things – the things I have done and the things I have left undone. My mind fills with a list of ‘I wish I had...’
But it’s also great to see many of the bad things turn to good. The main thing that sticks out over the past 7 years has been my health getting worse. To be perfectly honest it’s pretty rubbish but looking at it big picture rather than day by day I can see the good stuff that comes out of it. I’ve learned lots of things that I wouldn’t have learned if I had been well. If I had been well, I wouldn’t have the free time I do have to use as I like. What a privilege. Just think of all the books I read on all those days I didn’t have energy. All those sermons I listened to on sick days. All those times I got to clear out my room just cos I had the time! All those random pictures I painted because I didn’t have anything else I needed to do. All those Oak Hill lectures I’ve gone to. And the list goes on and on.
Being ill also makes you view God in a different way. There’s a need for him that is always in your mind. On the days that I can breathe more easily, I am noticeably less aware of the need for God to give me every breath than I am on the days when I am conscious of the breaths I have to take. There’s an awareness of the sustaining power needed to get me through a day. And there’s a future perspective. If all I have to focus on is today then I might be forgiven for being a little depressed but with a Romans 8.28 and a Revelation 21 perspective then life seems a lot happier. Things are happening for my good and there will be a day when I don’t have to worry about how I feel every day. A day when I will be able to run without having to stop and cough. A day when I won’t have to think and plan due to lack of energy. I get excited just thinking about it!
I was reminded yesterday of the five ‘finger blessings’ (which I still can’t remember without counting them on my fingers!) They are: God the Father loves me, God the Son died for me, God the Spirit lives in me, all things work for my good, I am going to Glory. Compared to those blessings everything else pales into insignificance. It doesn’t really matter if I don’t have a lot of energy - God the Father loves me, why would I want anything that he hasn’t given me? God the Son died for me – it’s not physical health that matters, there’s something far more important. God the Spirit lives in me – I have the Breath of God in me, so what if my lungs don’t work as well as they should? All things work for my good – so I can be content. I am going to Glory – where there will be no mourning, no crying and no pain for eternity, look to the future!
So looking back is interesting but looking forward is exciting. I do have to keep reminding myself of one thing – no matter how many resolutions I make or how many to-do lists I write, I can’t change myself. I can’t rely on myself to make the next 20 years better than the past 20 years. Only God can do that. So my prayer for today (and for many days to come) is:
Lord, thank you for what you have given me, forgive me for what I have been and help me to become more like your Son in this next year and throughout the rest of my life. Amen.
